The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
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Mmmm canned fish.
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”