The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…

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Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.


Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 years

Angel: horses?
God: 20

Angel: cats?
God: 15

Angel: sea turtles?

Angel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about flies

Angel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol


‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’


Do these jeans make me look fat? And don’t cover your nose this time!

-Pinocchio’s girlfriend


What time will the Easter candy be discounted?

CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.

Ok. I’ll call back later.


[god creating snakes]

how about a sock that’s angry all the time


me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No


Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.