Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
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Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 years
Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTY
Angel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about flies
Angel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
Do these jeans make me look fat? And don’t cover your nose this time!
No, YOUR illiterate.
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
[god creating snakes]
how about a sock that’s angry all the time
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.