The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
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If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
found my next D&D character name
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter