The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
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Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
wife: wha-
therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)