So far I’ve gained 20 pounds of pure muscle. It used to belong to pigs though, and something got lost in translation
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
You Might Also Like
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir we’re going to have to ask you to leave
ME: but they are my emotional support bees
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
Omg eww, get away from me!
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
Me: [unsure about my hair]
Hairdresser: So, what do you think?
Me: OMG it’s perfect, I love it so much, thank you!!
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
Sure, racists supporting Trump doesn’t mean he’s racist. But, if I was painting my house and the KKK said it looked good, I’d start over.
Someone just sat across from me at a table at Starbucks. They got too close to my food so I bit them.