The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..

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So far I’ve gained 20 pounds of pure muscle. It used to belong to pigs though, and something got lost in translation


I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in


FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir we’re going to have to ask you to leave
ME: but they are my emotional support bees


I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.

-“I’m 21.”

Omg eww, get away from me!


I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.


[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.


Me: [unsure about my hair]

Hairdresser: So, what do you think?

Me: OMG it’s perfect, I love it so much, thank you!!


My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.


Sure, racists supporting Trump doesn’t mean he’s racist. But, if I was painting my house and the KKK said it looked good, I’d start over.


Someone just sat across from me at a table at Starbucks. They got too close to my food so I bit them.