The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
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I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.