The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
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doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
Cool shirt 🙂
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
just gave your address to some spiders
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line