The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
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Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs