The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
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My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
Legend 🤣🤣
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
found this cool rock hiking today
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.