@UberFacts
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
@sofarrsogud
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
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@UberFacts
@KarlreMarks
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
@schumoo
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
@JennyJohnsonHi5
I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.
@Fred_Delicious
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
@GinjaNinjaSarah
Good morning, Twitter x
@House_Feminist
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
@Badass_Trucker
Her: What’s sex without love?
Me: About $100 a hour
@kimtopher22
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
@audipenny
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles