@sofarrsogud

The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.

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@UberFacts

Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.

@KarlreMarks

When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.

@schumoo

*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*

@JennyJohnsonHi5

I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.

@Fred_Delicious

Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament

@House_Feminist

god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce

@kimtopher22

My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.

@audipenny

Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles