*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
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Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”