The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.

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Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.


When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.


*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*


I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.


Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament


god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce


My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.


Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles