@ImSoFrancis *tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
@sofarrsogud The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
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@ImSoFrancis 
@crocodilethumbs Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
@Chhapiness *Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
@PaperWash [1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
@DebasaurusRex I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
@timk927 Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
@SirEviscerate “Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
@jonnysun museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
@tobyherman27 Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
@conner_omalley under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”