@sofarrsogud

The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.

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@ImSoFrancis

*tornado takes out half of my house*

Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?

@PaperWash

[1st date]

me: are you cold?

date: *shivering* a little

me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks

@DebasaurusRex

I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.

@timk927

Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others

@SirEviscerate

“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”

@jonnysun

museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig

@tobyherman27

Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.

— an Easter egg

@conner_omalley

under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”