Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
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have all the brands stopped pretending they’re people? It’s safe to assume Hot Pockets isn’t going to announce it has covid19 tomorrow?
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
Cop: There was no else going anywhere nearly as fast as you!
Me: I know. I was winning.
“Oh, beautiful. Just perfect. I wonder if I’ll be able to control myself… aaaand they’re gone.”
– Me with Thin Mints, and women.
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
I want a relationship like from Up.
She dies and I get a flying house.
My hatred for Nicki Minaj probably stems from my fear of clowns.