The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
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Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
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mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.