Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
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Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
When your man makes a valid point
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
This 4th of July, please remember…
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)