@smedlee

The worst thing about when someone tells you to chillax is what to do with their corpse.

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@CheapPontoon

My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.

@djdarrellripley

Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.

Me: So, they were closed?

Her:

@juneohara65

I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.

@AimeeHelene1

I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.

See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.

@Marl_TheBean

I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me

@Marlebean

I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!

because they’re holding me hostage

@just1fool

I found a ten dollar bill on the ground once and thought, “This is as good as it’s ever going to get. Buy some relish.”

@heatherlou_

My boss said if I tried to take Friday off, I could just take the rest of the year off so that’s kinda neat.

@ericsshadow

DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]