The worst thing about when someone tells you to chillax is what to do with their corpse.

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“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.


70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.


Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that


Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!

Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about


If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?


I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.


Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.


(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.


Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.