Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
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Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.