Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
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growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
My safe word is Worcestershire
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation