@trevso_electric

The worst thing that can happen when you invite someone over to “watch a movie” is actually watching a movie.

The worst thing that can happen when you invite someone over to “watch a movie” is actually watching a movie.

- @trevso_electric

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@WilliamAder

As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”

@simoncholland

Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.

@lindseyallen

Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.

@Severnjaca

Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.

@fridaycandy

At a job interview:

“What are your strengths?”

“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”

“Give me an example”

“When do I start?”

@generaldietz

Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market

Realtor: ok, where is it?

Little Old Lady: um, right here

Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe

Little Old Lady: it’s my home

Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?

Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one

@aveuaskew

If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.

@HeidiCF8

Making everyone happy is impossible. But pissing them off is a piece of cake. I like cake.

@HomeWithPeanut

[Starts to open package of cheese]

[Hears kids running towards kitchen]

[Escapes with cheese to car]

[Drives 5 hours to hotel]

[Checks into room]

[Starts to open package of cheese]

My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!

@BassoonJokes

all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second