The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
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Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
I ate everything, including the H.
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.