The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
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*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!