The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
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Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
My dryer is celebrating lint.
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …