@Reverend_Scott

The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.

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@trevso_electric

The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.

@PJTLynch

Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”

[crowd goes nuts]

A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”

@Iwriteforcats

Wife: “Would you like to help me….?”
Translation: “Do it or die.”

@thejessigirl45

Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?

@PhilJamesson

[before lamps were invented]

moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast

@secondofhername

What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.

@broodingYAhero

As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.

@Matt_The_1st

“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”

*Snatches glass and hands to my wife