Make me look like I’m running really fast.
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
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The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
Wife: “Would you like to help me….?”
Translation: “Do it or die.”
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife