I don’t know if this day is tantamount to the worst day of my life because I don’t know what tantamount means.
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
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her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
How do you get a red wine stain off a baby?
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
Know when to walk away
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
[On phone with Pizza Hut]
Me: I texted my order 4 hrs ago!
PH: Are you sure you didn’t tweet it…again?
Me: K. Love you. Bye.
Sometimes I wish you could ask the pharmacist to “make it a double”.