@Reverend_Scott

The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.

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@tsm560

I don’t know if this day is tantamount to the worst day of my life because I don’t know what tantamount means.

@huntigula

her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?

him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous

@offbeatoliv

U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…

@XplodingUnicorn

5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?

Me: In case there’s a burglar.

5:

Me:

5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?

@64spoons

Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me

@PinkCamoTO

5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.

@Lisabug74

I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.

@hammbone84

[On phone with Pizza Hut]

Me: I texted my order 4 hrs ago!
PH: Are you sure you didn’t tweet it…again?
Me:
PH: Sir?
Me: K. Love you. Bye.