The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
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Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
Warm pools make me nervous.
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…