The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
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everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
Just how popey was the pope today?
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.