The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
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Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas