The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.

The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.

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My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.


Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-


Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!

At first I was afraid, I was petrified.


Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry

Harry: i’m a what

Hagrid: a blizzard

Harry: a what

Hagrid: a scissors

Harry: what

Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward


-If you say orange really slowly it sounds like gullible.

Me: pfffffft

*walks around corner*

Me: (whispers) orrrrrrrraaaaannnnngggge


“Hey. My eye is up here.”

– hurricanes


Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”


I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.


(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)

Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?

(walks out)


Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.