The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.
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Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.