The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
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I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
we did it you guys we saved daylight
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.