The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
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THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client