the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake

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*Ordering Chinese Food

Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby


Carl: Cold out night.

Me: Tell me something I don’t know.

Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.

Me: Fair enough.


It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.


Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll


Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.


nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.



Me: *puts hands out*

Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?

Me: *blushing* guilty

Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME


Aliens: take me to your leader

Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?


People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.