@YuckyTom

the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake

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@Kryzazy

*Ordering Chinese Food

Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby

@Reverend_Scott

Carl: Cold out night.

Me: Tell me something I don’t know.

Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.

Me: Fair enough.

@GhantaGuy

It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.

@lemonmartinis

Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll

@secondofhername

Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.

@tigersgoroooar

nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.

@Megatronic13

Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!

Me: *puts hands out*

Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?

Me: *blushing* guilty

Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME

@SkinnieTalls

Aliens: take me to your leader

Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?

@Bob_Janke

People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.