@markleggett

The year is 2027 AD. I take a drag from my vitamin cigarette and transfer 17 Bitcoins to a 3D-printed babe-bot for a cyber HJ. Life is good.

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@ArfMeasures

ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]

HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!

M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome

@briangaar

You had me at “we’ve got the place surrounded”

@fabulouscop

what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings

@heyitsJudeD

Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?

3yo: no, I like playing with myself

Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…

@neonsinatra

Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.

@joshgondelman

“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”

@le_buns

“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace

“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice

@Holy_Mowgli

ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway

@CamusOverEasy

If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.

@smint

Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.