I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
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If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
My love language is deader than Latin
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.