The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
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If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke