The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
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I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
oppen heimer style lol
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.