the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
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[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”