The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
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No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”