“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
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Dear Alcohol, we had a deal. u were suppose 2 make me funnier, smarter & put me in a good mood…. I saw the photos – we need to talk.
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
[first day as an anesthesiologist]
me: i hope i gave him enough anesthetic to keep him asleep during surgery
patient: why would you put the surgeon to sleep
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
Centaur: *trips and falls* I broke my arm
Doctor: It’s okay, I can fix it
Centaur: Oh God I broke my leg too
Doctor: *cocks rifle*