the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy

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I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.


They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.


“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”

But does my hair look good?


Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”


It is estimated that 1 Million people plan to gather at Times Square to watch the ball drop while looking down at their phones.


Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*


[itsy bitsy spider diary]

Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.


Jesus: Time for a miracle!

Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch



Jesus: who likes fish


HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.

PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.

HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.

PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.