@ThatOneGoodVibe

The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.

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@weinerdog4life

If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.

@karencheee

Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book

@dannyboy7813

Me: How much for the doggy in the window

Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here

@causticbob

If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.

It can either sync or swim.

@RdrJay47

Her: Are you getting off early today?

Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!

@ColorMeScradd

MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”

@XplodingUnicorn

Wife: Guess what I did

Me: Captured Bigfoot?

Wife: I got a great deal on kid’s clothes

Me: Just so I’m clear, Bigfoot is still out there?

@TheCatWhisprer

My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.

@WhiskeyandMeds

It’s all fun and games until HR sends an email with “Your Twitter Account” in the subject line.