@ThatOneGoodVibe

The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.

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@Pork_Chop_Hair

My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*

Me: WHAT DID YOU DO

@McNevich

Girl in front of me at the store this morning bought a Kool-Aid Burst and a big Slim Jim. Heroes walk amongst us, folks. Real life heroes.

@MarcusTheToken

*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.

“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”

@Reverend_Scott

Cop: Know why I stopped you?

Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?

Cop: Yes, go back a step.

Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.

Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.

@Kimgee8

Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.

@batsly

Funny prank: stay over at a friend’s house and die on their couch.

@Tommytoughstuff

[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*

@JohnLyonTweets

*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door

*hears the word “sex”

*turns down my TV