My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
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Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
Can’t. Being lazy.
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
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/Expectation:
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( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energyReality:
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( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy[30 mins later]
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(´・ω・)
/ ⌒ヽ
(人__つ_つ
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.