I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
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My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
CRYING
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
😂💯
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history