The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
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The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.