@daddydoubts

The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.

His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.

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@AndyAsAdjective

*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”

@thejodiest

I want an app that tells me when someone is thinking about me while having sex with someone else.

@daemonic3

“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”

No thanks

“Why not?”

I actually love streets

@ashleyaustrew

I’m on the snake diet. It’s the one where you lie on the floor all day, eat 25% of your body weight, and hiss at anyone who comes near you.

@TheMichaelRock

Being a parent to a teenager is basically like being an unpaid, under appreciated Uber driver.

@keatingthomas

They should give Martin Shkreli a six-month prison sentence, and then at the last second, say, “Actually, that just went up 500%.”

@nonchalantnacho

I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.