The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
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*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.