Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
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The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
this could fix me
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.