@jwoodham

The year is 2087. Selfies are the new currency now and that annoying girl you went to high school with is the richest person in the world.

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@Swan_Corleone2

Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal

Wife: intercourse?

Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think

@Average_Dad1

Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*

Toddler: *crashes the stock market*

@NightValeRadio

Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.

@WittySassBasket

If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.

@Go2Slp

4: can we name the baby Yoko?

Me: well Yoko is a Japanese name

4: if the baby is Japanese can we name it Yoko?

Me: …

4: …

Me: yes

@DanMentos

probably should have split this into two separate stories guys

@chemicollins

My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”

@Reverend_Scott

Cop: Know why I stopped you?

“You heard the song I was playing?”

Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM

“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”

@dubstep4dads

[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey