The year is 2087. Selfies are the new currency now and that annoying girl you went to high school with is the richest person in the world.

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Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal

Wife: intercourse?

Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think


Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*

Toddler: *crashes the stock market*


Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.


If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.


4: can we name the baby Yoko?

Me: well Yoko is a Japanese name

4: if the baby is Japanese can we name it Yoko?

Me: …

4: …

Me: yes


probably should have split this into two separate stories guys


My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”


Cop: Know why I stopped you?

“You heard the song I was playing?”

Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM



[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey