The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
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This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you