The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
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Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
the thing about having a toddler is that sometimes you open the dryer and there are 20 cans of cat food in it
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
Just had to take a urine sample to my GP and at reception they asked me “does the doctor know about this already”. No, no. I just brought a cup of my wee as a present. Please don’t spoil the surprise.
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
realest tweet ever.
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
Amazon Review: Ghost costume
⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not RecommendPoorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!