The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
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Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
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Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.