I yelled at my wife “Your miniskirt is way too short!!”
“Thats because its made for a woman” she replied “Now take it off & give it to me”
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
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Her: ‘You’re drunk again.’
Me: ‘How do you know??’
Her: ‘You live next door.’
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
Marijuana may cause paranoia but so does watching CNN.
Harry Potter fans: I wanna go to Hogwarts. Narnia fans: I wanna go to Narnia. Hunger Games fans: Nope I’m good..
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
I just got kicked out of my local Laser Tag and the police were called. Apparently stabbing somebody to save ammo is not allowed.