“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
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1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
Before the Internet, I guess I just assumed all my friends knew how to spell “definitely.”
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
Job: something you do to make enough money to buy three avocados at one time.
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
The rest of the human race