@RickAaron: 2016: Trump elected 2018: Border wall completed 2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics

@Amburglar_: I hate when I'm getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says "my thumbs hurt." It's not like I ever say "My jaw hurts." I finish the job.

@squidslippers: i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said "if i sign this, you're going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you'll be able to sign whatever you want and they'll never know."

@XplodingUnicorn: Me: That guy is a bad apple. 6-year-old: He's a person. Me: I just meant he's mean. 6: Probably because you called him an apple.

@trevso_electric: The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can't even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.