The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
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“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
I wanna be friends with this person
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?