The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
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Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale