I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
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*deliberately drops paper in front of cute girl*
Oh my goodness was that my…(sexy voice) political science degree
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
I want to get a medical bracelet that says, “Shy” so I can I just hold it up during social situations.
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
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snowmen don’t need scarves, idiots.