@kibblesmith

The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.

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@AntozWolf

I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*

@NicestHippo

*deliberately drops paper in front of cute girl*
Oh my goodness was that my…(sexy voice) political science degree

@ArfMeasures

Date: so you’re a handyman?

Me: no I just do odd jobs

Date: like what

Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate

@dankashane20

I want to get a medical bracelet that says, “Shy” so I can I just hold it up during social situations.

@ThisOneSayz

Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.

@rebrafsim

Me: somebody stole my stapler

HR: you’re working from home

@carlawh

When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.

@TheTweetOfGod

THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!

1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity