The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
You Might Also Like
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
man i love columbo
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.