@datguyryry

[The year was 2050]

“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”

“There was a time when this was illegal you know”

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@trojansauce

[first day of judge school]
ME: bang the gavel?i hardly know the gavel
TEACHER: *maintains eye contact & crosses something out on clipboard*

@sixfootcandy

Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.

@SadPeruna

If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.

@thedad

Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?

Me: no

Therapist: no come on, they must have

@onion_an

[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”

@OreoSpeedwagon_

Note to self: hairspray does not kill spiders; it merely increases their strength and makes them look flawless all day.

@dave_cactus

*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*

@dafloydsta

[marriage counseling]

He barely knows who I am anymore

“That’s not true, Karen”

LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA