[first day of judge school]
ME: bang the gavel?i hardly know the gavel
TEACHER: *maintains eye contact & crosses something out on clipboard*
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
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Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
This ice cream is legen – wait for it – DAIRY.
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
You can tell a lot about a person by autopsy.
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Therapist: no come on, they must have
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
Note to self: hairspray does not kill spiders; it merely increases their strength and makes them look flawless all day.
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA