[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
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“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
Is your wife single?
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.