The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
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Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*