“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
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One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
me and my fake scenarios
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”