Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
You Might Also Like
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
i’m having this made into a welcome mat
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
Can Happiness buy money?
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire