@TheMichaelRock

The Zika virus can now be transmitted sexually. Luckily, most of you have nothing to worry about.

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@ClichedOut

They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.

Poor guy.

@Home_Halfway

Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.

@NatetheEnigma

I’m sorry I jumped on you, from a distance you looked like a conclusion.

@LurkAtHomeMom

People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?

@SCbchbum

The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”

@Brianhopecomedy

I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.

@PetrickSara

Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.

@OfficeofSteve

If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart

@Sammart123

Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late

Biden: I gave him the wrong address

Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect

Biden: idgaf what they call him

@dumbbeezie

Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women