At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
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GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
A bold strategy
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas: