The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
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I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
rich people when they have to pay taxes
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7