[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
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[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.