I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
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No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
what it’s like dating me:
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is